THOSE SIGNS

Today, I'll be talking about domestic violence.
If there's one line of argument I would continue to toe, it is that a man or woman does not start hitting his/her partner overnight. Most often than not, the signs are always there. Except if you are the type that constantly makes excuses for your partner, you would notice certain traits or trend in character, conducts, habits.

Now, if God bestows his mercy upon you and you are fortunate enough to notice these signs before your relationship gets too serious, then its time to take a walk. Do not wait for your partner to hit you physically before you call it a day. Do not wait to be a victim, apply the prevention is better than cure theory.

Nothing can excuse battery in a relationship, I repeat, nothing! Nothing justifies it.

Using myself as  an example, my last relationship was an abusive one. Now, not physical abuse, but emotional abuse. I'm sure we all know that emotional abuse does a lot of damage, just like physical abuse.  The person i was dating had this way of making feel unqualified, incapable, insufficient, not worthy, like my best wasn't good enough, so much that we could never have a conversation without him bursting out or having one issue or the other to pick with me. He would go on for minutes and hours, shouting, ranting without giving me an opportunity to express myself, my opinion did not count and by the time he's done, I would be left with a splitting headache. I would go to bed depressed and wake up depressed. I started dreading meeting with him or talking to him on the phone. I would do anything to avoid them.  It took me some months to realize my health was failing because of my relationship.

But I thank God for his grace, he opened my eyes to see the type of future that awaited me with this man.  And I knew that wasn't what I wanted for myself or my family. I realized that if my man made me feel this way  in a relationship of over two years, it was only a matter of time, He would be Mike Tyson, and I, Hollyfield. And while his mates are receiving gold medals in the boxing ring, my face would be his gold-medal.

I'm not saying breaking up was easy, in fact, it took me a while to get over leaving him. Was I tempted to go back to him? yes!. But I put good reasoning far above my feelings. I put aside my emotions for a better future.

Now  it really doesn't matter what your partner thinks of what they say or do to you, it really doesn't matter what their reasons, intentions or excuses for saying or doing so are. What counts is how what they do or say, makes you feel. The moment you begin to feel inferior, or less of a man or woman, its time to dust your shoes, say shalom and walk.

It is okay for your partner to correct or caution you, but it should be done in love. Remember, you are their partner, not their child, servant or employee.

I beg you, Ladies, Men, don't fool yourself into thinking your love will change an abusive man or woman. You need to be alive first to fight for your relationship or marriage. And once, they take 'life' away from you, there would be no relationship to fight for.

The first step towards helping an abusive partner leaving them. Yes, I mean taking time out from the relationship or marriage.  Time will tell whether the break would be permanent or temporary.
And remember, you can only help someone who realizes and is ready to admit he/she has a problem.

The second step is getting them help. By help, I mean professional help. I say professional because their advice would usually be neutral, honest and genuine as not only do they not have a personal relationship with the couple, they would also have experience dealing with such cases. They would also adhere strictly to the client-confidentiality principle.
If your partner is willing and ready to accept the professional help, then maybe there is hope for a better and brighter future together.

While I have nothing against involving family and friends, it is usually advisable to tread that route with caution. This is because you need someone who can give honest and down-to-earth advice without damaging any chance of reconciliation (if any), someone who would look beyond the fact that there are related to you or your abusive partner. Who would say the truth without sugar-coating it, and put the true interests of the partners involved first, and who is not trying to tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear! and of course, would not make your relationship problems a topic for discussion among family and or friends.

I have seen wonderful and beautiful lives cut short, thanks to domestic violence. Do not wait to be a victim, and if you were once a victim, do not hide your story, if you know someone who is or was in an abusive relationship,share it to help those who are in abusive relationships and prevent future occurrences.

SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

http://lindaikeji.blogspot.com/2011/06/nigerian-man-stabs-wife-to-death-then.html

YOUR PARTNER'S WORRIES

There is a certain issue that keeps bothering me and its on whether you have to know everything that worries or troubles your partner (husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend). I would want my boyfriend or husband to be happy or in high spirits but if they looked sad, sounded sad, or seemed in a bad mood, I would want to know. 

Knowing myself, I probably would not be at peace until I find out what the problem is. I would be worried to death about his well-being and where he insists that nothing is wrong,  aside being worried and losing concentration, I begin to think either of these;

1.      He is hiding something

2.       If he loved me and cared about me, he would share his worries with me .  (which sounds like emotional blackmail)

So the questions go thus;

1.      Whenever your partner seems troubled or worried, is he or she under any obligation to share their worry or concern with you, or are they to be allowed some space to think without you interfering?

2.      Is it fair for to keep an issue that is that obviously worries you away from partner, knowing fully well that they would be worried about you?

3.      And in a situation where you keep asking what the problem is and they say nothing is wrong, what do you do or how do you relate with them without nagging, seeming so pushy or on the other hand, unconcerned ?  

I would appreciate opinions on this issue. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy new year to you all. My first post of the year is coming in late because my the new year did not start out on a good note for me; lost two close family friends at the end of last year. the 2nd deceased person died on the day the 1st deceased was to be buried and that really affected everyone's countenance back home. I'm yet to understand how someone who is hale and hearty would die suddenly. But i do understand that while a healthy and fit lifestyle is important to live long, it is not a guarantee that because you are alive today, you would be same tomorrow. So thank God that you still breathe.

Once again, happy new year. I pray the new year marks the beginning of greater things to come in all our lives.

WE CAN’T ALL BE THE SAME

Yes, we can’t all be the same, the earlier everyone realises that, the easier it is to live peacefully with others.

I am by nature what my friends call anti-social, though I beg to disagree. The fact that I’m a twenty-something year old that refuses to party does not make me anti-social. There are other ways you can socialise besides partying. 

I had to go to a party of which I was one of the organisers. It was for charity, so my thought was “hey, why not do this for charity”. I’m a member of a charity organisation that works with underprivileged children in a part of Abuja and we had an event to raise awareness for people who live in the environs to know what the charity is about.

            The party was slated for 6pm and trust Nigerians with time keeping; the party did not start until 8pm. By 9pm, the party was on full blast. Time to make announcement and inform people about what the charity has been up to and future plans, the President and Secretary decide that we should just let people dance and enjoy themselves. Of course I was surprised cause it was agreed that not only would people be opportune to relax and socialise, but they would as I mentioned earlier, be informed fully as to what the charity is about. So since plans changed, I decided to leave for home. This was at about 10pm. And every member of the team thought otherwise. Everyone knows I DO NOT PARTY. Precisely, my friends were like “I can’t believe you came, I’m so proud of you”.   So I when I wanted to leave, they tried to play the sentimental game of it being for charity. As far as I was concerned, I had gone out of my way and for once, pushed aside my principles for charity (not minding the fact that the purpose for the event was not being achieved anyway because people would just come and go without knowing why they were invited).

            I tried to hang around for a little while but by 10:25pm, I decided I had had enough. I saw the 5 hours I spent there as a waste of time. This brings me to why I DO NOT LIKE PARTYING.

1.     1. For Religious Reasons: I do not claim it to be a sin, but all things are lawful does not mean them to be edifying. I do not see what partying adds to my life. I also do not understand why I would dance to vulgar songs today and easily feel a touch of a spirit when I hear Cece Winans sing. I thing its just madness. I do not understand a correlation between the two life styles. I find it hard to understand how people switch between the two.  Note that I said vulgar music, not secular music (cause some secular songs are decent, fun, hilarious, romantic etc. Some just require you to move your body and dance which is fine by me). But most of the songs out there today deserve to live in the bin so I’ll rather pass.

2.    2.  Moral reasons: I do not understand why I would dance or listen to a song that debases me as a woman, that talks about nothing but a woman’s body and what it can be useful for and then confidently rant on about the need for men to respect women when I, a woman is dancing to a song that focuses on my gender as a sex object. Most of these songs are so shallow and watery. I believe there is more to life than sex, sex and sex.

I also do not understand why guys cannot dance with women without touching them. Like seriously? I want to dance and have fun but hey, I deserve some respect too. Has anyone noticed that when u are dancing with guys, their hands are so fast to touch your waist and your bum? Its usually more annoying when it’s just some random guy or some guy you are not really close to. It just does not sit well with me.

3.    3.  Health reasons- smoking. Good Lord, I think it’s just rude for anyone to let smoke right in the face of someone else that is not smoking. If I wanted to inhale so much fume, I would have gotten a cigarette myself. Why would I risk my health on the platter of fun or socialising? And scientific research shows that passive smokers (people who do not smoke but for one reason or the other, get to inhale them are) more prone to cancer of the lungs. To tell you how much I hate smoke, I do not take cabs that do not have AC whenever I’m in Nigeria. There are too many cars and bikes emitting fumes from their silencers in Nigeria so I avoid them at all costs.

4.     And finally, I just do not enjoy partying. I usually feel empty at the end, like I wasted my time. I think I would do more useful things with the time spent dancing and whining my waist.  I just do not enjoy it, I have tried it several times but it just won’t work. Let’s go to the beach, let’s go to the movies, let’s go sightseeing, let’s do anything else but partying. I have hung out with people who are called the movers and shakers of the night scene, I have attended the so called “parties of the year” but I do not understand the fuss.

I do not begrudge people who love party, it’s their life. But I get upset when people conclude I’m anti-social, I’m a prude or I’m trying to be holier than thou. If I can accept your lifestyle, please accept mine too. We can’t all be the same, if we were, the world would be a boren place to live in. So friends, family, loved ones, etc. I would really love to hang out with you more, but you lot seem to think my idea of is fun is boren which is okay by me. Stop trying to play the sentiment card with me, and stop trying to make me feel bad.  I can do all bad by myself.

I MISS MY FRIEND

OKY DOKY

Oky doky, it's my first post, yay!. it's taken me a long time to finally decide to start blogging. Friends and family have hammered in my hears the need to blog. But i have made a personal decision to blog, for personal therapy reasons. I discovered i feel better whenever i put into writing what's going on in my head or how i feel at a particular time. So blogging avails me not only the only the opportunity of putting my feelings and views into writing, but also getting a second opinion on them. So yeah, call me selfish but im blogging not only for fun but also for therapy. So hope you like what goes on in my head. Welcome to the journey of an evolving lass.